It’s no secret that the siren call of rugby is deeply engrained in the Kiwi psyche.

So it should come as no surprise that every fortnight during the winter months a gaggle of Wellingtonians, old enough to really know better, come together in the name of rugby, camaraderie – and to celebrate what it is to be a Pōneke Pie. 

Welcome to the wonderful, wobbly world of Golden Oldies/Vintage/Masters rugby.

For the rugby purists, watching the Pōneke Pies display their skills may be like a Formula One fan spending a night at the stock cars. But over-35s rugby isn’t there for the spectators (although WAGs and children usually populate the sidelines) – it’s about taking part, rekindling those heady memories of past glories, smelling the liniment!  Our games are full of fun, the post-match changing room banter as believable as predictions of the Rapture, and the after-match catering (pies, of course) second to none.

A recipe that can’t fail – so watch out for it in the next Edmond’s Cookbook.

Each Pōneke Pie has their favourite pie embroidered on their jersey.  We feed visiting teams a mouth-watering array of pies at the aftermatch, and gift visiting Players of the Day a pie, pint and pie recipe book (thanks Trade Me!).  Our vision acknowledges that we are all “crusty on the outside and all flaky and soft in the middle”.

But why Pies? Well, our organising committee is known as the Upper Crust, our newsletter’s name is Half Baked and our WAGs’ occasional netball team are named the Tarts.  Our motto is “Because We’re Hot”. So we’d look a bit silly if we called ourselves the Ice-creams, wouldn’t we?

All enduring dynasties began somewhere, of course.  Our history can be traced way, way back in the mists of time. 2007 in fact.  Before our first season, when the search was on for a name, one founding player’s daughter (a Pōneke U7 player, no less) suggested Pōneke Flowers sounded nice. But that didn’t catch on, for obvious reasons – as we knew we’d soon be known as the pansies or wall-flowers.  Flower child’s brother (a Poneke U8 star) suggested Pōneke Sad Guys and was sent to his room.  Sibling No. 3 (yes, a Pōneke U10 player) had done more than eat his lunch while at school, learning the awesome allure of alliteration.  And he’d watched his dad’s eating habits.  “What about the Pōneke Pies,” he asked – and so the legend was born.

We have a squad of 70-plus players (we need that many to take account of all the things that get in the way of players taking to the field ... unavailability, hangovers, general age-related decrepitude, WAGS putting their foot down, getting lost on the way to the game, forgetting to pack boots or other important items of kit). We even recognise those braveheart Purple Pies… the select few who’s afternoon ends up with a visit to hospital.

We’ll take anyone too. Poms, Taffies, Jocks, Yarpies, Ockers, Samoans, Tongans, Yanks, Frenchies, JAFAs, Emerald Islanders . . . multicultural doesn’t even begin to describe our enthusiastic ensemble. We even boast a former Rugby World Cup captain among our ranks – but he still has to get his own round, of course!

We’re social animals too. We have pre-season, mid-season and end-of-season gatherings, an annual cricket match, regular ‘Wet Training’ sessions at our wonderful sponsors’ home-from-home, D4 Irish Bar and Restaurant (www.d4.co.nz).

If there’s a Pie-sized hole in your life, then drop a line to kevin.jenkins@martinjenkins.co.nz.  Many of us hadn’t played for 20-plus years before discovering Pie World.  And those that claim to have played usually fail to demonstrate the skills they claim to have honed! So no hiding behind “I’m not good enough”.

If you know how to tie your boot laces, can catch the ball some of the time, and appreciate the difference between Steak & Cheese vs Bacon & Egg pies, then you’re made of the right stuff.  So get off the couch and into the Pie warmer.